Day 113: I am sometimes my own worst enemy

Last week, I slipped and fell, hitting my head resulting in a nice goose egg on my forehead and a shiner. I was rushing to get home, and not paying attention, thinking about what I needed to do once at home, and even the next day at work. I completely missed a top step and WHAMMO! Stars.

While returning to work with a black eye allows one to make up all sorts of fun stories for their co-workers, it reconfirmed something I had always suspected: I am my own worst enemy.

I think I have accomplished a lot in my days - and I know much of that is due to a combination of stubbornness and optimism. Too stubborn to give up and eternally optimistic that I can do it! However, I have also had some really epic failures (none of which I will share with this peanut gallery). OK, knocking my noggin isn't "epic" but you get the idea.

I had a few days to think about my latest debacle, and what might have caused it. My preference to think ahead of where or when I actually am at any moment in time was definitely a factor, or perhaps more clearly stated, my preference to NOT focus on the present, the here and now, was a big part of why I missed that top step.

Being able to anticipate changes, being able to plan "what's next", being able to see around the corner as it were, can be a great asset. But not if I am so focused on what's ahead that I forget to take in where I am now. I don't like not moving, not doing; I have difficulty just being. And I'm not talking just about relaxing, it's something more than that. Perhaps it's because I know there is so much out there, in the big world, and I don't want to miss any of it. Perhaps, it's that to stop is to stop learning, to stop experiencing. Or perhaps it is because I am not satisfied with where I am at the present. 

It may be some or all of those things. But now that I am aware of it, I hope I will see when I am trying to sabotage myself by not being in the moment. Kind of like trying to break a bad habit you don't realize you even have. Once you know about it, it seems so obvious.

AMac